Oakland Hills
Played Oakland Hills many moons ago – 2003 or 2004 – with my buddies Zeke and Vahan who I just got to see again in 2020 at Arcadia after about 15 years. I don’t know whether I didn’t take photos (though I still have two which makes me think I did) or whether they fell victim to the computer crash. I also don’t remember a lot about the course except that we were called in on 16 as a ferocious storm blew in and I remember hanging at the men’s grill watching as the skies turned black. Oakland Hills was great and I hope to get back there someday, with the camera phone and finish the last two-and-a-half holes.
From my really poor memory, the clubhouse was huge, the conditioning was perfect, the course was tough. The above is from the tee on the par three ninth and the below is the approach on 5. They want you to play fast here. I still have the bag tag that has one side of it dedicated to the message “FOUR HOURS or less.” I love that because I hate slow play. Nothing ruins a round more than a slow group in front of you. Even when they’re not slow, if they’re mopey, it is annoying. Mopey includes:
- Leaving cart 100 yards from the green and walking back to it after holing out
- Player one hitting then zig zagging across the fairway to drop off player two who deliberately goes through his/her club selection and pre-shot routine, then rinse and repeat
- Walking back and forth on the green, lining up putts like you’re plumb-bobbing a fricking tight rope line
- “Oops forgot a club, oops my hat blew off, oops I left my ugly ass putter cover on the green”
- “Look it’s the cart girl, let’s hold a détente with her”
- Walking the grid in a hazard to find trace DNA evidence of the ball you sliced 50 yards deeper in than where you’re standing
- Grinding out that green-side bunker shot to get up and down in ten
- Getting back to your cart, 100 yards in front of the green, and writing down scores, diagramming sentences, or whatever it is that mopes do hanging by the green and preventing the group behind from hitting their approach shots
- Wearing a Cowboys or Patriots shirt, hat or club covers (OK this isn’t mopey just damn annoying)
Even if you’re not slowing down play with the above, you’re annoying the group behind you. If you’re up against a group in front of you, go back to the group behind you and let them know and don’t do the above. If your cart partner is 100 yards from the green and you’re closer, drop him/her off with clubs and drive past the green. Move on after holing out and write your scores down at the next tee – what your senile ass can’t remember your score 100 yards away? Triple bogey MAX – if you’re sitting six on the fairway, pick up the damn ball. But if you’re in a “match” and can’t pick up, well you suck and shouldn’t be in a match so just give the other player your money. If you’re holding a détente with the cart girl tell her to get drinks for the group behind you and apologize. First off this makes the cart girl think you’re super generous and considerate and the group behind you will suddenly no longer care about your mopiness. I saw at a club (Manasquan River?) recently a sign that said, “If you’re good play fast, if you’re bad, play faster.” Unfortunately I fall into the latter category but I play expediently and never feel like I’m rushing.
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